my stomach is bloating
i feel so uncomfy
it's prob still gonna remain bloated after lunch
and my meds are all at home
how am i gonna be able to concentrate later if they carry out a lesson??

*sigh

i'm so pissed right now! i feel like breaking something
abt 15mins ago this lady turned up at our office..she's been sent here to conduct lessons about using this laser cutting machine software.
everyone except probably my uncle was surprised to see her here.
it turns out that the agent..the middle man in this whole machine buying/setting up didn't inform us about this arrangement! it WAS HIS RESPONSIBILITY!
we've been following up with him so much..asking about when the tutorial lessons will be held but no we didn't hear anything
until now
the lady thought we knew
oh yaa ONE OF US did
he apparently was told by one of the technicians sent by the same company either yesterday or some days ago
and he didn't bother to even inform my dad..the boss of the company
where's the respect?!
ok since i'm on the topic of my uncle..i'm freaking pissed that for 2 days in a row
for some stupid reason..HE who arrived earlier than us decided to switch on all the lights in the office except for the one that's directly above me! what's that supposed to mean?!!

this is sick la

i hate how everything is going
the lessons will be carried out over 3 days..from morning til 5pm!
i hate that i wasn't prepared for the lesson at all. i mean i'm not mentally prepared at all. it doesn't help that i was planning to spend most of this week with my dude..who is finally getting to enjoy a one week holiday after a stressful term
AND i was planning to go renew my already expired provisional driving license tmr afternoon with my sis then bring her shopping. and now i can't quite do that now can i? now that my usually free afternoons are gonna be taken up
i'm not angry that my afternoons won't be free i'm angry about the fact that my plans are gonna be changed so last minute i hate that

besides that i don't feel very important in the company
i was quite excited when my dad asked me to go be a part of the tutorials but i guess i got excited for nothing coz i'm NOT the one to officially work the software or the machine..coz the software isn't gonna be installed in the computer i'm using.
i'm just the backup in case my uncle doesn't get it..the 'troubleshooting' person that i am at home when things don't quite work
so what's the point? i can't really meddle with the software without eating into my uncle's space. i'm not about to be all friendly after the stupid light incident. i'm not petty by the way..i know he's up to no good..i feel it in my gut. i think he'll be more than pleased if i keep my responsibilites in the office & not meddle with the actual production side.
i hate that i have to feel like that
i stayed on in the company coz i thought i would be given more responsibilities
i tried to pick up autocad for that reason but now it doesn't seem like i will have any more responsibilities
i feel like an idiot for telling friends that hey i'm finally gonna do something quite interesting in the office - working the machine - when it's probably not gonna happen

ERGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

why?

why am i so blessed with a mother that doesn't listen?
why does she have to deny and refuse to accept the fact that i'm in a relationship?

i've never written about this on my blog..i might have mentioned a wee bit abt my unhappiness in my 28Feb & 7Mar post. i've only shared this with very few people..but right now i feel like venting. coz this is insane.

things were bad at one point. i was always crying..depressed mostly that my mother was trying to make me end things coz she thought that i'll forsake her by converting to another religion. she also doesn't get that one can still enjoy a relationship even if it may not end in marriage.

she thinks so lowly of me.
it's obvious & terribly disappointing to feel like your own mother doesn't know who i really am. it's sad that she would rather assume the worst, assume that coz i was a shy quiet child i'll 'grow up' into a shy quiet easily influenced gullible adult.
it got so bad at one point i couldn't talk to her without screaming or crying.
but there was this one time, i didn't raise my voice. i ACTUALLY clarified the whole forsaking thing. i reassured her i'm not stupid & i have a mind of my own & i would never convert to anything else. that was a half lie..coz if i had a choice..i would be religion free. but if i said that..she would flip!! coz she would think i've gone nuts rebellious & think i need to be disciplined or something.
anyway after that day..she nagged less. she stopped the whole 'you must stop seeing this Boy' thing. everyone else in the house - my sisters & my maid - who've been listening to me complain..ALOT was glad i spoke to her. He was glad that i took his advice to clear things up with my mum. and i was back to being happy.

until

yesterday

i asked her if i could go over to his place for dinner. she asked what for.
i told her it's just a casual thing.
then she said

"you all are just normal friends only what? you go over his place for dinner for what? you should only go over when there's a GROUP of friends"

i was instantly crushed. alot of thoughts..emotions..mostly anger flooded through me.
i was like 'WHY THE F*** WOULD YOU STILL THINK WE'RE ONLY FRIENDS??!!!? HAVEN'T YOU HEARD A WORD I SAID THE LAST TIME???'
i didn't actually say that..i may be angry but i'm not disrespectful so i just stormed off into my room.
actually i know she knows we're a couple..coz she's not stupid BUT why won't she accept it???

*sigh*

it's not like acknowledging a guy as my boyfriend is so difficult? it's not like he's a druggie..or a smoker..or a drinker..or an abuser..or heavily tattooed or pierced..or an unemployed slacker who spends all my money..?

my sisters were there at the table with me. they knew i was pissed. even my little sister..who's 13..came into my room later & asked me "what's up with the 'normal' friends bit??" she didn't get why my mum was behaving that way again. & my other sis..also equally puzzled was too fed up to say anything much.
they didn't have to really..it was nice to know they knew why i was so angry..that was enough

hmm...i'm not as depressed compared to last time..with all the crying & hair pulling..i guess i'm numb to the situation already. since it keeps coming back..a vicious cycle.

is it so much to ask for peace of mind? for less control & live my own life?
for goodness sakes i'm turning 24!!!! i bet you can't tell can you? whoever's reading this & don't know me personally. that someone this old is still being so controlled?
well yea..it's the truth.

ergh! i could write on & on about my mother's extremely traditional & out dated view about relationships.. and she extreme superstition & the fact that she can't communicate with us but i don't really wanna have to think about that right now..get myself all worked up..for nothing. coz all this complaining won't change a thing.

i think i've given up on trying to change things. i tried to share my joy with her but she doesn't care..she says she does but that's just her being controlling so what more can i do?

what's new..?

i've been uninspired to write
and I DON'T SEE MY TAGBOARD!!?

*deflates*

hmmm...let's see
i'm just gonna write whatever that comes to mind..i dn't care if it doesn't flow
i spent $183 on the entire SIN CITY graphic novel series. YUP my biggest buy to date
bought it on a bit of an impulse..i had to laa..i have to admit i'm abit obssessed with the whole sin city thing..with the movie coming out here only in july. so much blood..so much violence..so much sex..everybody is so messed up..i like it!
can't wait for the movie to be out

i'm sitting here at my desk at work..thinking about the past week or 2..
nothing much happened really
oh wait
i went for a performance by 'bang on a can' - a group of american musicians with a very interesting sound. you either like it or you don't

i want to buy shoes. i was telling my friend i have very little shoes..for a girl..and i tend to buy shoes that are no good for my feet! the ones i have..give me blisters or hurt in general after half a day. actually i think i have messed up feet coz they hurt even when i'm wearing pumas!!

*sigh*

oh..i lost my iriver usb cable *cries* it's so tragic coz i have to use the same cable to charge my player and to transfer music! i can do without transferring new music but after my batt ran out..i'm left with nothing coz i can't charge it!
and it turns out that i have to pay for a new wire..even though my warranty is still valid -_-! 28 for a brand new cable..23 for one from a 'split set' whatever that means..

bleh bleh

i'm hungry..gonna go find something to eat

oh before i forget..
my next driving test would be on the 24th of August!
a long wait but hopefully it'll be better this time :)

i just decided to always end my blog with a song for anyone who's reading to check out..it may not always be a brand new track but just something i love & wanna share
so today's pick would be

"Breathe (2am)" by Anna Nalick

finally..

just when i was criticising singapore's charity efforts..i find this..

Singapore to host mega-concert for 'child aid'

not much details have been given but it sounds preeety amazing
looking forward to being a part of it :)

i failed.

i'm fine though..surprisingly.

so yea..i didn't think i did badly.
ok here's how the test went.

1:45pm - reported for the warm up session. had a really nice instructor who was patient and offered lots of tips. i was surprised to find that the car i was assigned to wasn't the usual one i drove. i mean it was the same model but the test car i got..was a newer version so everything that mattered felt different. the pressure of the step pedals were different..the engine sounded different..even the seats were different!

2:20 - 2:40
nerve wrecking waiting period of 20 mins..it felt SO much longer.

2:45 - test time!
reported at this room where we were randomly assigned a test route and a tester.
i was quite pleased to find out i was given test route 6..the same one my warm-up session instructor picked.
so soon after..i got back to my car..waited for the instructor and my test officially started when we belted up and instructed me to go.

we started rounding the circuit first.
i started out ok..did the 'S' course fine. my vertical parking which had been quite a headache for me turn out acceptable too! so did my parallel parking. i was quite pleased. i cleared the crank course as well as directional change. i even nailed the emergency brake!! i was worried abt that =l that i may not be alert enough & hit the accelerator instead! that actually happened once!
BUT
the one that killed me..that moment when i knew i wouldn't make it..
was at the slope. i never had problems with it..only at the beginning when i was still inexperienced but what happened today at the slope..it was insane!
i drove up..hit the brake..pulled the handbrake..released my brake and was glad that my car didn't slide. at the point i thought 'yay'
the next thing i had to do was hit the clutch & accelerator until the biting pt then once you get that & release the handbrake..your car is supposed to slowly move forward..BUT NOOooooooOOOOooo
i thought i got it right..but my car stalled!!!! and started sliding back!!!!
i was like "CRAP DIE LIAO"
i hit the brakes..pulled the handbrake & tried again.
BUT
THE SAME EXACT THING HAPPENED.
i couldn't believe it.
TWICE.
so yaa..by then i knew.

on the third try..i made it. it was shakey but i made it.

so after rounding the circuit..we moved out on to the roads.
then within 10mins or so we were back.
had to follow my tester back to the 'evaluation' room. where he told me some of my mistakes and implied i had low iq just coz i asked him for directions when i was on a lane that was for turning left. -_- he seems to forget that when people are on a test..they tend to be nervous and silly things can happen. he such a meanie!

by 3:30..i was done. so was my sis..we went for the test together. she didn't make it either. *big hugs to cyn* it was unfair for her case too.
so frustrating. coz after looking through my 'score card' there were some mistakes where he penalised me that i felt was not fair. like mistakes that i don't even remember committing! oh well..i guess it's like that. they're just horribly critical when it comes to first timers. i can't help but think it's all an evil money making ploy to suck us dry of our money and toying around with us for a couple of times before they finally decide to throw us our license.

so yaa..that's about it.
i'm still abit pissed that i have to spend more money booking another test and paying for my revision lessons and waiting for another 2 months or so but well..there's no way i'm gonna give up!

so BE a part of the "Help-Cheryl-Get-Her-Driving-License" campaign & kindly direct all encouragement/kind words/support/luuurrve to moi and YOU can stand a chance to get an exclusive "Cher's Car Pals" membership! ;P

IT'S 3 hours 30 mins away..

*screams*

!!!

it's finally here..
a day away
my driving test!

i'm trying hard to stop myself from thinking about it too much
like what's gonna happen & how it's gonna turn out
shall spare myself from all that..too nerve wrecking!!!
and that's the last thing i need!

i can't quite believe it was just 4 short months ago that i first started driving lessons. i'm not great at it but at least i've improved from when i first started!! =P all that stalling and jerky turns and gear switching!

so yea..i'm quite excited actually! so wish me luck! show me some luuuuurve!! gimme some support!!!

*keeps fingers crossed*