why?

why am i so blessed with a mother that doesn't listen?
why does she have to deny and refuse to accept the fact that i'm in a relationship?

i've never written about this on my blog..i might have mentioned a wee bit abt my unhappiness in my 28Feb & 7Mar post. i've only shared this with very few people..but right now i feel like venting. coz this is insane.

things were bad at one point. i was always crying..depressed mostly that my mother was trying to make me end things coz she thought that i'll forsake her by converting to another religion. she also doesn't get that one can still enjoy a relationship even if it may not end in marriage.

she thinks so lowly of me.
it's obvious & terribly disappointing to feel like your own mother doesn't know who i really am. it's sad that she would rather assume the worst, assume that coz i was a shy quiet child i'll 'grow up' into a shy quiet easily influenced gullible adult.
it got so bad at one point i couldn't talk to her without screaming or crying.
but there was this one time, i didn't raise my voice. i ACTUALLY clarified the whole forsaking thing. i reassured her i'm not stupid & i have a mind of my own & i would never convert to anything else. that was a half lie..coz if i had a choice..i would be religion free. but if i said that..she would flip!! coz she would think i've gone nuts rebellious & think i need to be disciplined or something.
anyway after that day..she nagged less. she stopped the whole 'you must stop seeing this Boy' thing. everyone else in the house - my sisters & my maid - who've been listening to me complain..ALOT was glad i spoke to her. He was glad that i took his advice to clear things up with my mum. and i was back to being happy.

until

yesterday

i asked her if i could go over to his place for dinner. she asked what for.
i told her it's just a casual thing.
then she said

"you all are just normal friends only what? you go over his place for dinner for what? you should only go over when there's a GROUP of friends"

i was instantly crushed. alot of thoughts..emotions..mostly anger flooded through me.
i was like 'WHY THE F*** WOULD YOU STILL THINK WE'RE ONLY FRIENDS??!!!? HAVEN'T YOU HEARD A WORD I SAID THE LAST TIME???'
i didn't actually say that..i may be angry but i'm not disrespectful so i just stormed off into my room.
actually i know she knows we're a couple..coz she's not stupid BUT why won't she accept it???

*sigh*

it's not like acknowledging a guy as my boyfriend is so difficult? it's not like he's a druggie..or a smoker..or a drinker..or an abuser..or heavily tattooed or pierced..or an unemployed slacker who spends all my money..?

my sisters were there at the table with me. they knew i was pissed. even my little sister..who's 13..came into my room later & asked me "what's up with the 'normal' friends bit??" she didn't get why my mum was behaving that way again. & my other sis..also equally puzzled was too fed up to say anything much.
they didn't have to really..it was nice to know they knew why i was so angry..that was enough

hmm...i'm not as depressed compared to last time..with all the crying & hair pulling..i guess i'm numb to the situation already. since it keeps coming back..a vicious cycle.

is it so much to ask for peace of mind? for less control & live my own life?
for goodness sakes i'm turning 24!!!! i bet you can't tell can you? whoever's reading this & don't know me personally. that someone this old is still being so controlled?
well yea..it's the truth.

ergh! i could write on & on about my mother's extremely traditional & out dated view about relationships.. and she extreme superstition & the fact that she can't communicate with us but i don't really wanna have to think about that right now..get myself all worked up..for nothing. coz all this complaining won't change a thing.

i think i've given up on trying to change things. i tried to share my joy with her but she doesn't care..she says she does but that's just her being controlling so what more can i do?